Filling In the Cracks

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, 

 to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.

~ 2 Corinthians 4:7 ~

Our Heavenly Father is always molding us, shaping us, into whom He had intended us to be long before our birth. It takes most of us our entire life to attain a level of wisdom that allows us to realize that the suffering we experience in this life is for our sanctification. Some may never attain this level of understanding.

I tell my kids often how special they really are. You are too. God breathed into your heart a particular job that was meant just for you. He loves you so much and wants a relationship with you! In order to hear our Lord, we must pray and listen.

I have realized something deeper lately. If I allow myself to embrace instability instead of resisting, it gives me a new opportunity to hear my Lord and Savior to a greater degree. It also draws me closer to Jesus’ Sacred Heart when I embrace my cross daily, in my weakness, and keep my eyes fixed on Him.

I am learning even better to allow Him to fill in the cracks of my broken and damaged clay jar. Learning to let go. Voluntary vulnerability is not weakness, but rather courageous.

We are all suffering the effects of COVID-19 in some way, shape, or form.

I was laid off of both my jobs the same week in March. That same time, I was also told my kids would need to begin school at home. Little did I know, I allowed stress to take hold in my life again. I lost my focus.

I quickly made the decision to get a temporary job at Walmart to keep a steady income. I say quickly because it was not prayerfully thought out. My intention was to provide financially for my children and continue to attempt to save for a home of our own. This was a mistake I humbly admit.

On day two of the three days there, I worked so hard and put so much stress on my body, adding to the mental stress I had been under, I developed Bell’s Palsy. I woke up that morning thinking I was having another stroke (I had a thalamic hemorrhagic stroke Feb. 2019). Turns out it’s not as serious, thankfully, but nonetheless it was a real wake up call yet again that stress – if I allow it to – will kill me.

After having a heart to heart with my loving aunt (thank you!), I realized what I was doing was not healthy. Money is not important – my family and my health come first. I lost my trust in God that quickly; I took it upon myself to get a paycheck to provide instead of the most important payment plan, manna from heaven. (John 6:50-51)

I am writing this in hopes it will reach the most hardened of heart. Are you listening? Do not make the same mistake as me. I had not realized that my stress, worry, and anxiety swept in so quickly to blindside me. I became the older brother in the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32). I pray you look within yourself and, if you’ve lost sight without even realizing it, you can humbly admit it too.

God allowed me to suffer through Bell’s Palsy. Thankfully it was a quick healing. 4 weeks to be exact!

Through this lock down, I have gained a greater appreciation for my employment, the government in times of financial crisis, and small businesses. I have also gained a newfound self-love. Developing Bells Palsy forced me to really look inward, in a way I never have. Now, I am striving to allow this to radiate outward. But most importantly, I have an even deeper gratitude for the trauma my family previously experienced.

Sounds crazy right? Why on earth would I be grateful for living with active alcoholism, emotional and mental abuse?! And how on earth does all this tie together?!?!?!?

You will be enriched in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God. ~ 2 Corinthians 9:11 ~

I am going to share with you old pictures. Pictures often tell a story. Many times they don’t unless you know the history behind the smiles. But now that you’re getting to know my story, you will see better the pain behind the smile in some…..

This picture was taken on our 12th wedding anniversary in 2018. We had been enduring many years of marital problems that no one knew about. This was particularly what I thought was the turning of a new leaf. My husband had almost died 2 months prior to this picture due to his drinking. It is truly a miracle he is still alive today….even more miraculous that he is sober today! I look at this picture of myself and see the pain, exhaustion, fear, anger, love, hope, and self neglect.

Yikes. This was in 2019, after getting diagnosed with Non Traumatic Thalamic Hemorrhage (aka brain hemorrhage…aka hemorrhagic stroke), Degenerative Disc Disease, Osteoarthritis, High Blood Pressure, elevated heart rate, depression and anxiety. This selfie was taken after my husband left us, two weeks after my diagnoses.

But wait…it gets better!

This was a couple days after I was diagnosed with Bell’s Palsy March 2020. The whole left side of my face became paralyzed due to stress.

Last but certainly a great one!

This is me. April 2020, 4 weeks after Bell’s Palsy diagnosis,  1 year (and 2 months) after stroke, and 1 year after my husband and I hit our rock bottoms in the family disease of alcoholism.

Ladies and gentleman, this is what self care looks like for me. I am focused on Christ. I am focused on loving myself for love of God. I am not a basket case (most days!) and I have hope in Christ.

My jar may be cracked, even broken in some places. But my Father is filling in the cracks. As He does, I become stronger. I feel it. I am loved by my God and I feel it. He is guiding me to put the full armor on so that I am ready to stand my ground after I have done everything I am called to do. (Eph 6:13).

My story is not yet over. Stay tuned….